...thoughts expressed here are not necessarily final.

March 04, 2004 Leapblogging Late last night...

Dove Award nominees

Check it out here. Does this look TOO familiar to you? I still think the best in "Christian music" is being done by unknowns. I know some awesome artists who love Jesus who don't have recording contracts. I hope to check out Cornerstone this year. Let's go...Artrageous entry forms here. Greenville College is partnering with Cornerstone to present the New Bands this year. GC is located in Greenville, Illinois, about 45 miles from St. Louis on I-70.

Do we really need all THIS help? What do you think?

Product Designer Helps Christians Share 'The Passion'

Allie Martin, Agape Press also at PRWeb

Not only is The Passion of the Christ breaking box office records, it is
also forcing Christian bookstores to race to keep up with demand for
movie-related merchandise. Pins, pocket crosses, T-shirts, mugs,
soundtracks, books, and jewelry are among the items licensed to be sold
in conjunction with the new film. Dwight Robinson is marketing director
for Bob Siemon Designs, which has been licensed to make jewelry
associated with the film. He says many of the special items were
designed specifically to aid believers in witnessing. "There are some
lapel pins and witnessing cards that help people share their faith,"
Robinson says. "On the front of the card it has some images from the
film, and on the back it has some scriptures, the plan of salvation, and
a prayer to help someone to Christ."

More on an associated topic at SOJO.

SIXTEEN ways to be a smarter teacher

from Fast Company. In an economy filled with surprise and uncertainty, being an effective leader means being a good teacher. But how do you lead and teach at the same time? Who are your most important students? And what about recess?

Late on this, but

Return of the King had a clean sweep of the categories it was nominated in- eleven in all. Here's the lowdown...

With the success of LOTR Trilogy and the box office boom of The Passion of the Christ, I heard James Caviezel say yesterday that he expected lots more "religious" fare coming out of Hollywood, but he discerned that most of them won't have any sort of conviction motivating their release.

I have concerns.. and they were said well online. The site is cached now on google so I will cut and paste here...

Understand The Times
Commentary by Roger Oakland
www.understandthetimes.org
 
"CATHOLIC EVANGELISM?
 
When it comes to finding new ways to introducing people to the gospel of Jesus Christ, I am totally in favor. For this reason, many prominent evangelical Christian leaders have expressed enthusiasm for Mel Gibson’s Passion, a quality film that reenacts the final hours of Christ’s life on earth. However, before jumping on the bandwagon, there are some important issues that need to be addressed.
 
The list of Christians endorsing Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ is quite impressive. Months before the film’s release, previews were shown around the world to almost every well-known Christian leader. From what I have been reading, there are very few dissenters. The film is being touted as a tool that will bring people to Jesus. If this is the case, that would be fantastic!

However, I wonder if there a possibility that the film may actually have a second agenda – one that leads many into Roman Catholicism?
 
Absurd, you say. Well, don’t make up your mind too quickly. There are some facts that you should know that make a difference. For example, read the following statement made by Carl Limbacher taken from an article titled “Mel Gibson’s ‘Christ’ Reveals Crucifixion,” written January 25, 2004 :
 
In his first media interview anywhere about his starring role in Mel Gibson’s much anticipated film “The Passion of Christ,” James Cavaziel – Gibson’s Jesus – detailed on Friday the ordeal of filming the Crucifixion scenes, noting that the overall experience prompted many in the crew to convert to Catholicism.
 
Further, Cavaziel stated that the filming of Christ’s story “really changed people’s lives.” According to the interview, Cavaziel also told Gibson, “I think it’s very important that we have mass every day – at least I need that to play this guy.”
 
Then one further statement that focuses in on the heart of the issue. Cavaziel said: “I felt if I was going to play him I needed the sacrament in me. Gibson provided that.”
 
Of course, the “sacrament” Cavaziel was referring to, was the Sacrament of the Eucharist.” This is the heart and core of the Roman Catholic faith. In order for someone to be a Roman Catholic, they must believe the priest has the power to transform a wafer into the actual body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus. When you have partaken of the Sacrament of the Eucharist, you supposedly have Christ in you.
 
In contrast the Bible clearly states that Jesus’ one and only glorified body is in heaven. The Bible also states that God does not dwell in temples made with human hands. And while Rome teaches that the Eucharist is an ongoing sacrifice for sins, the Bible teaches that there is no longer an offering for sin. When Jesus died on the cross for the sins of the world, He said “it is finished” meaning “paid in full”. Therefore the Eucharistic Jesus cannot be the Jesus who died for our sins once and for all.
 
With these biblical truths in mind, I have a concern. Is it possible the film will be an evangelistic tool that will eventually play a role in bringing people to another Jesus? "

end quote from site... what do YOU think?

Is this another Great American Myth?

Tom Sine on The Wrong Dream-a thoughtful essay.. "We are trying to do discipleship on a two-legged stool. One leg is personal piety (devotion to God). The other is private morality But the third leg is missing: inviting the Holy Spirit to transform cultural values. We understand that following Christ has to do with transforming our hearts, healing our psychological hang-ups - but leaving our life directions absolutely untouched." Here's more at CT.

March 3, 2004 Reading...

Or rather rereading my marginalia I typically ruin my books with. Get yours at CBD here. Why is the cross the crux of Christianity? What are the meaning and significance of the atonement? The Bible uses a host of terms to illuminate the answers to these questions: covenant, sacrifice, the Day of Atonement, Passover, redemption, reconciliation, propitiation, justification. In extremely readable, plain English, Leon Morris explains each of these words, thus opening up the fuller biblical dimension of God's great salvation.

Here's a link to CBD for Stott's classic. A bit less readable than the Morris book IMHO. This is a major study of the cross in Christian theology, life and mission. Beginning with the centrality of the cross, Stott goes on to examine the apparent and underlying reasons for Christ's death. He then defends the substitutionary view of the atonement and explores the achievement of Christ on the cross. Finally, he discusses the implications of the cross for Christian worship, self-understanding, life and hope.

I listened in the car to a tape on the atonement by J.I.Packer (interview here) from a conference we went to about fifteen years ago. I had to pull off the road as my eyes filled with tears and my breath was again taken away. It is very needfull in this world to remind oneself of the enormity of what happened at the cross and to just sit in awe and weep with joy and a deep sense of brokenness and humility that flows from encountering the great grace poured out on us and the humbling that the Lord of Glory embraced willingly to secure our salvation.

He endured the obscenity of this and as a result we have a share in His exaltation. Forbid it Lord, that I should boast save in the cross of my Jesus, my Lord.. Devastating.

March 02, 2004 More on the Passion movie

Am I giving up blogging on The- Movie-that-shall-Not-Be-Named for Lent? No way! Lots of Christian bloggers are making it seem gauche and passe to blog about the movie. But that's what people at the water cooler and coffee break room are talking about. So I will blog on.

I will also be posting some of what the world says about the movie. We need to know what is going on in the hearts and minds of the people we encounter.

Even Letterman is commenting- here's a link to his ironic "Top Ten Things heard outside the new Mel Gibson movie".

10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"
9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"
8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew"
7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder"
6. "Was this really based on a book?"
5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right, people?"
4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'"
3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now."
2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"
1. "Don't tell me the ending"

And Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) says if you look at the credits you'd think the Italians killed Christ.

FYI time. I said earlier the movie seems to be organized around the stations of the cross. Well maybe. It might be better to say it is also organized around the Five Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary. See this site and here for examples.

I have come to realize again that the physical suffering for the world to see was very important as we would not apprehend the psychological aspects without it. The cross is THE sign to the world of Love, Passion, Forgiveness, and Grace. It is taken as foolishness because it is the scandalon.

The physical is often typical of the more Real and is the entry into it that God ordains. That is sort of my point in my writings on using visuals in teaching the Bible. God uses visuals too.

March 02, 2003 The need for atonement

I have lived enough and hurt enough and sinned enough to know the need personally. The world preaches that we should have a good self image, and self actualization is the subject of seemingly half the books at the bookstore.

But all the world religions and all the self help gurus have no answer to the problem of sin.

We are guilty and need forgiveness, and there is only one name given under heaven whereby we must be saved, saved from the wrath that is to come.

I have been meditating on 2 Corinthians 5 and will be posting some notes as a result over the next week as time allows.

In the meantime, here is a great treatment of the issues by Lehman Strauss at bible.org

Justification by death is the predominate view of how an unjust man is justified in our culture. That is, according to most, all it takes to go to heaven is to die. That belies an incorrect view of what sin is. The Bible speaks of sin in at least three ways.

1. Debt (pecuniary)
2. Expression of enmity with God (moral)
3. A Crime (penal)

One of the confessional statements of the church says sin is any want of conformity to or transgression of the law of God.

As creator, God is the author of the universe. The authority of God has its ramifications. He has the authority to impose obligations on His creation. This is what is known as apodictic law. Romans tells us that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

We are in debt and God is our creditor. Christ’s role is to be the debt payer. He is the only one who can afford its cost. He is our surety and He is our mediator.

The criminal dimension of sin relates to God as governor and judge. He Himself is the standard of righteousness and justice in the universe. Christ comes into the world to be judged as a priest/victim and ascends to become judge of the nations.

Let’s differentiate between pecuniary and penal debt.

If I steal from 10 K from John, if I am arrested is it enough to give it back and demand forgiveness? No. There is a penalty involved.

If I borrow 10K by arrangement and I wake up tomorrow to find I cannot pay it back I still owe John 10K. If my brother says I will pay it, John is obligated to receive the 10K and cancel the debt 100% This is pecuniary debt.

If I steal the money and my brother steps in to say I will pay it back, John is not obligated to receive it. Because a crime has been committed. The only person who can decide whether to take the money and cancel the debt is John, as he is the violated party..

God the Father is not under any obligation to receive Christ’s payment for our sin unless a provision is made to take care of the penalty. This aspect we will discuss at greater length later,I hope.

How does the cross relate to us?

How do these two parties relate? How can they be reconciled?

Circle 1 represents mankind’s character and nature. If man sins, his character is blemished and the more he sins the more corrupt he becomes. If he decides he want to be perfect at any point after his first sin it is ontologically impossible!

In terms of the perfection of Holy God, how much should I shade of man’s circle if the shading represents fallenness?

a. all of it
b. half of it
c. all but a small island of good

Rome says c is the answer. This is one of the issues of the Protestant Reformation, yet it is sometimes misunderstood. Total depravity is not utter depravity. We are not as corrupt as we can be, we can always sin more than we have. We are therefore not as bad as we conceivably can be- it is a matter that sin has corrupted all our parts- heart, soul, mind and strength.

None is righteous and no part of us escapes the ravages of sin. Even when we see pagans doing good, that is civil righteousness. it is external. The Bible has a two different ways of measuring righteousness- the measuring rod of the law- or external goodness and the attitude or motivation of the heart which is what God sees.

The problem is- if God cannot look upon iniquity how can the unjust be justified? We cannot start all over again. God can only overlook sin if He is willing to sacrifice His justice. If He did this He himself would be unrighteous!

Mediation is required. For atonement to have value, two things must attain. Jesus died for my sins. If that is all he did why not just come down at age thirty, go directly to the cross and be done with it?

The point of the atonement is that a just man dies for the unjust. To qualify to be redeemer, Jesus first has to live a life of obedience, even unto death on the cross so that at His name every knee should bow. Hebrews 12 says it was for the joy set before Him that he endured the cross. (That makes me think twice when I sing Paul Baloche's "Above All" which ends " He took the fall and thought of me above all." Seems to me that he was thinking of the glory of the Father and the great joy of returning to Him victorious over sin and Death- now that certainly attains for us in a marvelous way, but remember to put God's interests and Glory first in all this- that is the path to the greatest blessing.)

We tend to think that because Christ died on the cross for us that says something about our self worth. Might I remind myself and you that if we see a criminal that gets the death penalty we don't think of his self worth first when he gets the greatest sentence placed on him. We don't say "oh he must have been a really good and successful criminal to get such a hard sentence." The sentence for our sin was death. It cost the Son of God his Life to pay that penalty.

So it says more about the Greatness of our Sin and the Sinfulness of Sin that the death of the Very Son of God is what it took to reconcile me to God.. It's really not about us. The atonement is about the awesome love and grace of the Most High God in Christ that makes sinners "at one" with God..

So there is a double transaction that must take place.

Jesus lives an unblemished life. He is the lamb of God without spot or blemish. He walks into town and says things like- I’m perfect- which of you convicts me of sin? He’s either a lunatic, a liar or Lord at this point. This is radical. Zeal for his Father’s house consumed him.

The first part of the transaction is a sort of negative imputation. We say justification is forensic- it is an authoritative act of declaration. The judge declares you just. But on what possible grounds can a just judge declare you just when you know you are not? Remember the old testament lamb and scapegoat or azazel goat?

Sin was imputed to the sacrifice symbolically by laying hands on it to transfer the sins of the people to them. One is sacrificed as a propitiation and the other is sent into the outer darkness. So Jesus bears our sins- he takes upon himself our sins in a quantitative act of transfer.

When God looked at Christ on the cross he saw an obscene mass of sin imputed to Jesus. But if that is ALL that happened we are in big trouble- The sin that Jesus took to the grave would make us innocent but we still are not righteous and we would never be justified

If Jesus only took away my sins and their punishment that would not be enough to get me to heaven and yet I would not be guilty to go to hell. It is an impossible conundrum.

This brings us to the second part of the transaction- The righteousness of Christ is imputed to our account whereby we get his merit. In God’s sight I am not only declared not guilty- I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ!

Therefore a real imputation occurs- God is not just declaring it to be so, but he also makes it so. This is where Rome falls short- they see this as a legal fiction. It would be if the imputation were not REAL. If God really laid my sins on Christ and gave me Christ’s righteousness. God’s integrity is preserved. We are admitted to the kingdom because we are placed in Christ. He is Righteous, He is Light and He is Love says John.

The cliche is that justification is "just as if I'd never sinned". In fact it is just because my sin was so great that God provided the only way to deal with it.

There is a real union between us and Christ in Justification. He is my savior not only because he died but because He lived and lives forever. Without the obedient life of the God-Man there can be no atonement. The cross becomes merely a terrible tragedy if there is no double transaction. As Luther said, we are at the same time just and sinners- simil iustus et peccator.

This is the glory of the doctrine of justification by faith alone. And it is VERY Good News...

His death takes care of my punishment and His life takes care of my reward. I cannot earn it- I can only receive and trust in it. Justification is by Christ alone. How shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation?

Nothing in my hands I bring- simply to the cross I cling.

March 01, 2003 More Notes on the Movie- The Passion of the Christ

See last weeks' archive for lots more...

After the weekend to think on it and encounter all manner of opinion regarding the movie, I have to revise some of my thoughts in places and expand upon them in others. I know of some cases where the very encounter with the idea of Jesus on the cross is eliciting thoughtful reflection and questions that may lead to salvation. So God is ALREADY using the movie to His glory.

I an grateful to say I have some very thoughtful friends who will let me know when I go overboard as well...I think I was a bit too nitpicky on the front end response to the movie.

What I hope to address and focus on here over the next few weeks is answering the "so what" questions- What does the cross mean to us? Out of the rubble of theory of how and what happened on the cross, what is the personal benefit of Christ's work when appropriated to men and women today? We'll only be looking at the need for atonement, the problem of sin , the nature of God and atonement as it relates to our justification. :-) What's the big deal anyway?

To start with I'll address some objections to the movie itself as it relates to the scriptural narrative:

I found this reference in my note from over twenty years ago that is pertinent to some of the controversy The Passion of the Christ movie has sparked.

Here's an example of the type of discussion that's going on out there..

As he was lecturing a member of the audience interjected- "That is primitive and obscene." When Sproul pressed him to repeat himself, he at first demurred but upon asking again, the audience member repeated his assertation.

Sproul responded (I paraphrase)-

"Ah! I like that- those are two of the best words I could think of the describe what is going on at the cross. I can't think of anything more primitive than to take a human being and have him live out the drama of a blood sacrifice. That would be rated X for violence in our own movie industry."

"It is so crass and crude a manner of effecting redemption- to literally involve the physical slaughter of a human being. A blood sacrifice- just as in the way the Old testament priests slit the throat of an innocent lamb- is primitive, crude stuff."

"I don't know why- I can only speculate on the crudity of the method of redemption God has brought about and that is that God is not a Gnostic. He is not only interested in relating to an elite group of intellectuals who can penetrate obscure and esoteric forms of symbolism- rather he communicates to the most simple minded, primitive person in the world that there is something going on here to remove their guilt from them."

"It also, at the same time the cross has enough profound content concealed within it to keep the better minds of history engaged for a couple of thousand years. I'm not so alarmed that people have to give up their sophistication to embrace it."

"But the word I liked best is "obscene". It IS obscene. The atonement IS obscene. It is the most obscene thing in all of history. It's not that God himself writes some graffiti in the men's room or stoops to giving an obscene gesture- what he does is that he takes upon himself human nature and enters into the obscenity of the most obscene things in this world. He takes all the sin of the world upon himself. We think it is obscene for a man to be a transvestite- to dress in woman's clothing...but for a perfect being to put on the sins of the world- that is obscene beyond imagination. Christ entered in and put on the obscenity of human fallenness to satisfy the demands of God's wrath."

Blessing and Curse of the Old Covenant fulfilled

Jesus perfectly fulfilled the law of God as the God/Man. For the New Covenant to take effect the old one had to be somehow fulfilled.

The old covenant was expressed thus:

Terms- the stipulations.
Then the dual sanctions- rewards and penalties-blessings or cursing.

The great blessedness to Jews was the Visio Dei- the beatific vision- the closer one is to the face of God the more blessed, and the curse is the opposite of the blessing. The blessing was expressed in Numbers 6

22Then the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, 23"Speak to Aaron and to his sons, saying, 'Thus you shall bless the sons of Israel. You shall say to them: 24The LORD bless you, and keep you; 25The LORD make His face shine on you,And be gracious to you; 26The LORD lift up His countenance on you,And give you peace.' 27"So they shall invoke My name on the sons of Israel, and I then will bless them."

This breaks down in couplets in a type of parrallelism where the meaning is repeated in different words three times...

1(The Lord bless you) and 2(keep you)
1(The Lord make his face to shine upon you) and 2(be gracious to you)
1(The Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon you) and2 (give you peace.)

(The 1's express the same meaning as do the 2's) If God keeps you He is gracious to you and He gives you peace.

To reverse this would be something like:

(The Lord curse you) and (forsake you.)
(The Lord turn his back on you) and( judge you)
(The Lord turn off His light) and (in the darkness give you turmoil).

The point of the circumcision as a sign of the old covenant was this twofold sanctions. the participant in effect is saying. (Reward/blessing) I am bound to a community of faith that is cut off and separated from the world and made holy by God. (Penalty/curse) If I do not act accordingly I will be cut off from Yahweh like the foreskin is cut off from the body.

Galatians 3:13 literally says Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us. Christ became a curse for us- he became sin incarnate and was forsaken by God the Father in a moment of time. He was in hell on that cross.

It's not that Jesus just "felt" forsaken on the cross- if he was not forsaken we are not forgiven. We have no redemption if he did not bear the curse sanctions of the old covenant. Not only that but the obscenity of what happened at the climax of the cross. The cross was in fact the perfect circumcision. Christ identifies with sinners and becomes a curse and God cuts Him off.

This is what happened to the scapegoat when the curse was placed on him and was sent outside the camp, and This is exactly what Jesus experience when he fulfilled "everyone who is hanged upon a tree is accursed" when he was crucified outside the holy city of Zion- and the darkness descends on the land.

He is totally bereft of grace and God's presence -for how long, we do not know. But even a moment is of infinite value- it is at least until he says" It is finished" by the time Christ uttered "Father into thy hands I commend my Spirit" God has turned back to receive the Christ.

THAT is indeed obscene, and I don't believe watering it down is efficacious.

Talk and commentary shows on MSNBC and beyond.

What follows addresses the issue that Christopher Hitchens of Vanity Fair raised on Hardball when he called the scourging and crucifixion in the movie "gratuitous violence" and "pornographic in nature". He stated that the Bible has no reference to the nature of the scourging.

This byline from Vanity Fair

"With Mel Gibson presenting his brutal version of Jesus¹s Crucifixion in The Passion of the Christ, Christopher Hitchens pounces on what he sees as the absurd, even cruel, doctrinal contradictions embraced by both the director and his critics."

I have heard other people on the talk shows relating that the gospels do not portray the crucifixion in the graphic terms that the film uses and they say that it was too gratuitous because of that. It is true that the gospels abbreviate the immensity of what happened physically during the crucifixion.

But the Bible is not silent on the subject- we get a clearer picture if we look at Psalm 22 and Isaiah 52-53 which are both prophecies of what would happen to the Messiah. We see from those passages some of the horror that he endured- he would be so disfigured in Isaiah 52 that he was unrecognizable. The word disfigured in verse 14 is the same word used for a blemished lamb that would be of no account to use as a sacrifice to God

Catholic tradition says there was not 39 blows as some believe in the scourging but rather 5,144 blows during the course of four hours and a quarter. The Bible says he was scourged, and intimates it was badly in Isaiah 52.

Isaiah 52:13 See, my servant will act wisely ; he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted. 14 Just as there were many who were appalled at him- his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness- 15 so will he sprinkle many nations, and kings will shut their mouths because of him. For what they were not told, they will see, and what they have not heard, they will understand.

Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Psalm 22 1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? 2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent.

6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:
8 "He trusts in the LORD ;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him."

12 Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
13 Roaring lions tearing their prey
open their mouths wide against me.
14 I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.

16 Dogs have surrounded me; a band of evil men has encircled me, they have pierced my hands and my feet. 17 I can count all my bones; people stare and gloat over me. 18 They divide my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing.

Deuteronomy 21:23
...you must not leave his body on the tree overnight. Be sure to bury him that same day, because anyone who is hung on a tree is under God's curse.

Evangelicals and Catholics Together?

Here's another, if broader issue- a response to the Evengelicals and Catholics Together. This link is comprised of statements of evangelical belief that are offered as material for dialogue between Roman Catholics and Evangelicals, following from the recent document, Evangelicals and Catholics Together: The Christian Mission in the Third Millennium, drafted by Richard John Neuhaus and Charles Colson, with others.

On a MUCH lighter note...

Now you can be edified by an interactive art experience and get humiliated at the same time. London's Tate Museum recently opened a usable bathroom exhibit on a street corner outside its walls. Talk about a public restroom.

Londoners will not be queing up for this one I predict.

Theme songs to help pass the time during your hip replacement convalecence.

Hope the SPCA doesn't get wind of this...

Ever Wonder? REALLY important questions about life. Source: unknown

*What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
* If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
* If you were going to shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?
* Why does an alarm clock " Go Off " when it starts ringing?
* If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of it's nose?
* If you pulled the wings off a fly, would you call it a walk?
* When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
* Why isn't Phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why does our nose run and our feet smell?
* Why do they put braille dots on the key pads at drive up ATM's?
* Why does " Fat Chance " and " Slim Chance " mean the same thing?
* If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor? And why are there parking lots at bars?
* How do the guys who drive the snow plows get to work?
* If you were in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light, what would happen if you turned on the head lights?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* You know how packages say " open here ", well, what would happen if it said open somewhere else?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
* What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
*Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* How come if you send something by boat it's cargo but if you send it by land it's a shipment?
* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* How do a fool and his money GET together?
* How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
* How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
* If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
* If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
* How come there aren't B batteries?
* How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
* If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
* Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
* Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
* How can there be self-help "groups"?
* How do you throw away a garbage can?
* How does a Thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
* If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?
* If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
* What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours?
* Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
* Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
* Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
* Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
* What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
* When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
* Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?