...thoughts expressed here are not necessarily
March 04, 2004 Leapblogging Late last night...
Dove Award nominees
it out here. Does this look TOO familiar to you? I still think the
best in "Christian music" is being done by unknowns. I know
some awesome artists who love Jesus who don't have recording contracts.
I hope to check out Cornerstone
this year. Let's go...Artrageous entry forms
College is partnering with Cornerstone to present the New
Bands this year. GC is located in Greenville, Illinois, about 45 miles
from St. Louis on I-70.
Do we really need all THIS help? What do you
Product Designer Helps Christians Share 'The Passion'
Allie Martin, Agape
Press also at PRWeb
Not only is The Passion of the Christ breaking box office records, it
also forcing Christian bookstores to race to keep up with demand for
movie-related merchandise. Pins, pocket crosses, T-shirts, mugs,
soundtracks, books, and jewelry are among the items licensed to be sold
in conjunction with the new film. Dwight Robinson is marketing director
Siemon Designs, which has been licensed to make jewelry
associated with the film. He says many of the special items were
designed specifically to aid believers in witnessing. "There are
lapel pins and witnessing cards that help people share their faith,"
Robinson says. "On the front of the card it has some images from
film, and on the back it has some scriptures, the plan of salvation, and
a prayer to help someone to Christ."
More on an associated topic
SIXTEEN ways to be a smarter teacher
Fast Company. In an economy filled with surprise and uncertainty,
being an effective leader means being a good teacher. But how do you lead
and teach at the same time? Who are your most important students? And
what about recess?
Late on this, but
Return of the King had a clean sweep of the categories
it was nominated in- eleven in all. Here's the lowdown...
With the success of LOTR Trilogy and the box office boom of The Passion
of the Christ, I heard James Caviezel say yesterday that he expected lots
more "religious" fare coming out of Hollywood, but he discerned
that most of them won't have any sort of conviction motivating their release.
I have concerns.. and they were said well online. The
site is cached now on google so I will cut and paste here...
Commentary by Roger Oakland
When it comes to finding new ways to introducing people to the gospel
of Jesus Christ, I am totally in favor. For this reason, many prominent
evangelical Christian leaders have expressed enthusiasm for Mel Gibsons
Passion, a quality film that reenacts the final hours of Christs
life on earth. However, before jumping on the bandwagon, there are some
important issues that need to be addressed.
The list of Christians endorsing Mel Gibsons Passion of the Christ
is quite impressive. Months before the films release, previews were
shown around the world to almost every well-known Christian leader. From
what I have been reading, there are very few dissenters. The film is being
touted as a tool that will bring people to Jesus. If this is the case,
that would be fantastic!
However, I wonder if there a possibility that the film
may actually have a second agenda one that leads many into Roman
Absurd, you say. Well, dont make up your mind too quickly. There
are some facts that you should know that make a difference. For example,
read the following statement made by Carl Limbacher taken from an article
titled Mel Gibsons Christ Reveals Crucifixion,
written January 25, 2004 :
In his first media interview anywhere about his starring role in Mel Gibsons
much anticipated film The Passion of Christ, James Cavaziel
Gibsons Jesus detailed on Friday the ordeal of filming
the Crucifixion scenes, noting that the overall experience prompted many
in the crew to convert to Catholicism.
Further, Cavaziel stated that the filming of Christs story really
changed peoples lives. According to the interview, Cavaziel
also told Gibson, I think its very important that we have
mass every day at least I need that to play this guy.
Then one further statement that focuses in on the heart of the issue.
Cavaziel said: I felt if I was going to play him I needed the sacrament
in me. Gibson provided that.
Of course, the sacrament Cavaziel was referring to, was the
Sacrament of the Eucharist. This is the heart and core of the Roman
Catholic faith. In order for someone to be a Roman Catholic, they must
believe the priest has the power to transform a wafer into the actual
body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus. When you have partaken of the
Sacrament of the Eucharist, you supposedly have Christ in you.
In contrast the Bible clearly states that Jesus one and only glorified
body is in heaven. The Bible also states that God does not dwell in temples
made with human hands. And while Rome teaches that the Eucharist is an
ongoing sacrifice for sins, the Bible teaches that there is no longer
an offering for sin. When Jesus died on the cross for the sins of the
world, He said it is finished meaning paid in full.
Therefore the Eucharistic Jesus cannot be the Jesus who died for our sins
once and for all.
With these biblical truths in mind, I have a concern. Is it
possible the film will be an evangelistic tool that will eventually play
a role in bringing people to another Jesus? "
end quote from site... what do YOU think?
Is this another Great American Myth?
Tom Sine on The
Wrong Dream-a thoughtful essay.. "We are trying to do discipleship
on a two-legged stool. One leg is personal piety (devotion to God). The
other is private morality But the third leg is missing: inviting the Holy
Spirit to transform cultural values. We understand that following Christ
has to do with transforming our hearts, healing our psychological hang-ups
- but leaving our life directions absolutely untouched." Here's
more at CT.
March 3, 2004 Reading...
Or rather rereading my marginalia I typically
ruin my books with. Get yours at CBD here.
Why is the cross the crux of Christianity?
What are the meaning and significance of the atonement? The Bible
uses a host of terms to illuminate the answers to these questions:
covenant, sacrifice, the Day of Atonement, Passover, redemption,
reconciliation, propitiation, justification. In extremely readable,
plain English, Leon Morris explains each of these words, thus opening
up the fuller biblical dimension of God's great salvation.
link to CBD for Stott's classic. A bit less readable than the
Morris book IMHO. This is a major
study of the cross in Christian theology, life and mission. Beginning
with the centrality of the cross, Stott goes on to examine the apparent
and underlying reasons for Christ's death. He then defends the substitutionary
view of the atonement and explores the achievement of Christ on
the cross. Finally, he discusses the implications of the cross for
Christian worship, self-understanding, life and hope.
I listened in the car to a tape on the atonement by
here) from a conference we went to about fifteen years ago. I had
to pull off the road as my eyes filled with tears and my breath was again
taken away. It is very needfull in this world to remind oneself of the
enormity of what happened at the cross and to just sit in awe and weep
with joy and a deep sense of brokenness and humility that flows from encountering
the great grace poured out on us and the humbling that the Lord of Glory
embraced willingly to secure our salvation.
|He endured the obscenity of this and as a result
we have a share in His exaltation. Forbid it Lord, that I should boast
save in the cross of my Jesus, my Lord.. Devastating.
March 02, 2004
More on the Passion movie
Am I giving up blogging on The- Movie-that-shall-Not-Be-Named
for Lent? No way! Lots of Christian bloggers are making it seem gauche
and passe to blog about the movie. But that's what people at the water
cooler and coffee break room are talking about. So I will blog on.
I will also be posting some of what the world says
about the movie. We need to know what is going on in the hearts and minds
of the people we encounter.
Even Letterman is commenting- here's a link
to his ironic "Top Ten Things heard outside the new Mel Gibson movie".
10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"
9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"
8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed
into an extra large Mountain Dew"
7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder"
6. "Was this really based on a book?"
5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right,
4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'"
3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now."
2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"
1. "Don't tell me the ending"
And Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) says if you
look at the credits you'd think the Italians killed Christ.
FYI time. I said earlier the
movie seems to be organized around the stations
of the cross. Well maybe. It might be better to say it is also organized
around the Five Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary. See this site
I have come to realize again that the physical suffering
for the world to see was very important as we would not apprehend the
psychological aspects without it. The cross is THE sign to the world of
Love, Passion, Forgiveness, and Grace. It is taken as foolishness because
it is the scandalon.
||The physical is often typical of the more Real
and is the entry into it that God ordains. That is sort of my point
in my writings on using visuals
in teaching the Bible. God uses visuals too.
March 02, 2003 The need
I have lived enough and hurt enough and sinned enough
to know the need personally. The world preaches that we should have a
good self image, and self actualization is the subject of seemingly half
the books at the bookstore.
|But all the world religions and all the self
help gurus have no answer to the problem of sin.
We are guilty and need forgiveness, and there
is only one name given under heaven whereby we must be saved, saved from
the wrath that is to come.
I have been meditating on 2 Corinthians 5 and will be
posting some notes as a result over the next week as time allows.
In the meantime, here is a great treatment
of the issues by Lehman Strauss at
Justification by death
is the predominate view of how an unjust man is justified in our culture.
That is, according to most, all it takes to go to heaven is to die. That
belies an incorrect view of what sin is. The Bible speaks of sin in at
least three ways.
1. Debt (pecuniary)
2. Expression of enmity with God (moral)
3. A Crime (penal)
One of the confessional statements of the church says sin is any want
of conformity to or transgression of the law of God.
As creator, God is the author of the universe. The authority of God has
its ramifications. He has the authority to impose obligations on His creation.
This is what is known as apodictic law. Romans tells us that all have
sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
We are in debt and God is our creditor. Christs role is to be the
debt payer. He is the only one who can afford its cost. He is our surety
and He is our mediator.
|The criminal dimension of sin relates to
God as governor and judge. He Himself is the standard of righteousness
and justice in the universe. Christ comes into the world to be judged
as a priest/victim and ascends to become judge of the nations.
Lets differentiate between pecuniary and
If I steal from 10 K from John, if I am arrested is it enough to give
it back and demand forgiveness? No. There is a penalty involved.
If I borrow 10K by arrangement and I wake up tomorrow to find I cannot
pay it back I still owe John 10K. If my brother says I will pay it, John
is obligated to receive the 10K and cancel the debt 100% This is pecuniary
If I steal the money and my brother steps in to say I will pay it back,
John is not obligated to receive it. Because a crime has been committed.
The only person who can decide whether to take the money and cancel the
debt is John, as he is the violated party..
God the Father is not under any obligation
to receive Christs payment for our sin unless a provision is made
to take care of the penalty. This aspect we will discuss at greater length
How does the cross relate to us?
How do these two parties relate? How can they be reconciled?
||Circle 1 represents mankinds character
and nature. If man sins, his character is blemished and the more he
sins the more corrupt he becomes. If he decides he want to be perfect
at any point after his first sin it is ontologically impossible!
In terms of the perfection of Holy God, how much
should I shade of mans circle if the shading represents fallenness?
a. all of it
b. half of it
c. all but a small island of good
Rome says c is the answer. This is one of the issues of the Protestant
Reformation, yet it is sometimes misunderstood. Total depravity is not
utter depravity. We are not as corrupt as we can be, we can always sin
more than we have. We are therefore not as bad as we conceivably can be-
it is a matter that sin has corrupted all our parts- heart, soul, mind
||None is righteous and no part of us escapes
the ravages of sin. Even when we see pagans doing good, that is civil
righteousness. it is external. The Bible has a two different ways
of measuring righteousness- the measuring rod of the law- or external
goodness and the attitude or motivation of the heart which is what
The problem is- if God cannot look upon iniquity
how can the unjust be justified? We cannot start all over again. God can
only overlook sin if He is willing to sacrifice His justice. If He did
this He himself would be unrighteous!
|Mediation is required.
For atonement to have value, two things must attain. Jesus died for
my sins. If that is all he did why not just come down at age thirty,
go directly to the cross and be done with it?
The point of the atonement is that a just man
dies for the unjust. To qualify to be redeemer, Jesus first has to live
a life of obedience, even unto death on the cross so that at His name
every knee should bow. Hebrews 12 says it was for the joy set before Him
that he endured the cross. (That makes me think twice when I sing Paul
Baloche's "Above All" which ends " He took the fall and
thought of me above all." Seems to me that he was thinking of the
glory of the Father and the great joy of returning to Him victorious over
sin and Death- now that certainly attains for us in a marvelous way, but
remember to put God's interests and Glory first in all this- that is the
path to the greatest blessing.)
We tend to think that because Christ died on the
cross for us that says something about our self worth. Might I remind
myself and you that if we see a criminal that gets the death penalty we
don't think of his self worth first when he gets the greatest sentence
placed on him. We don't say "oh he must have been a really good and
successful criminal to get such a hard sentence." The sentence for
our sin was death. It cost the Son of God his Life to pay that penalty.
||So it says more about the Greatness of our
Sin and the Sinfulness of Sin that the death of the Very Son of God
is what it took to reconcile me to God.. It's really not about us.
The atonement is about the awesome love and grace of the Most High
God in Christ that makes sinners "at one" with God..
So there is a double transaction that must take
Jesus lives an unblemished life. He is the lamb of God without spot or
blemish. He walks into town and says things like- Im perfect- which
of you convicts me of sin? Hes either a lunatic, a liar or Lord
at this point. This is radical. Zeal for his Fathers house consumed
||The first part of the transaction is a sort
of negative imputation. We say justification is forensic- it is an
authoritative act of declaration. The judge declares you just. But
on what possible grounds can a just judge declare you just when you
know you are not?
Remember the old testament lamb and scapegoat or azazel goat?
Sin was imputed to the sacrifice symbolically
by laying hands on it to transfer the sins of the people to them. One
is sacrificed as a propitiation and the other is sent into the outer darkness.
So Jesus bears our sins- he takes upon himself our sins in a quantitative
act of transfer.
When God looked at Christ on the cross he saw an obscene mass of sin imputed
to Jesus. But if that is ALL that happened we are in big trouble- The
sin that Jesus took to the grave would make us innocent but we still are
not righteous and we would never be justified
If Jesus only took away my sins and their punishment that would not be
enough to get me to heaven and yet I would not be guilty to go to hell.
It is an impossible conundrum.
||This brings us to the second
part of the transaction- The righteousness of Christ is imputed to
our account whereby we get his merit. In Gods sight I am not
only declared not guilty- I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ!
Therefore a real imputation occurs- God is not
just declaring it to be so, but he also makes it so. This is where Rome
falls short- they see this as a legal fiction. It would be if the imputation
were not REAL. If God really laid my sins on Christ and gave me Christs
righteousness. Gods integrity is preserved. We are admitted to the
kingdom because we are placed in Christ. He is Righteous, He is Light
and He is Love says John.
The cliche is that justification is "just as if
I'd never sinned". In fact it is just because my sin was so great
that God provided the only way to deal with it.
There is a real union between us and Christ
in Justification. He is my savior not only because he died but because
He lived and lives forever.
Without the obedient life of the God-Man
there can be no atonement. The cross becomes merely a terrible tragedy
if there is no double transaction. As Luther said, we are at the
same time just and sinners- simil iustus et peccator.
This is the glory of the doctrine of justification
by faith alone. And it is VERY Good News...
His death takes care of my punishment and His life takes care of my reward.
I cannot earn it- I can only receive and trust in it. Justification is
by Christ alone. How shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation?
Nothing in my hands I bring- simply to the cross
March 01, 2003
More Notes on the Movie- The Passion of the Christ
See last weeks'
archive for lots more...
After the weekend to think on it and encounter all manner
of opinion regarding the movie, I have to revise some of my thoughts in
places and expand upon them in others. I know of some cases where the
very encounter with the idea of Jesus on the cross is eliciting thoughtful
reflection and questions that may lead to salvation. So God is ALREADY
using the movie to His glory.
I an grateful to say I have some very thoughtful friends
who will let me know when I go overboard as well...I think I was a bit
too nitpicky on the front end response to the movie.
What I hope to address and focus on here over the next
few weeks is answering the "so what" questions- What does the
cross mean to us? Out of the rubble of theory of how and what happened
on the cross, what is the personal benefit of Christ's work when appropriated
to men and women today? We'll only be looking at the need for atonement,
the problem of sin , the nature of God and atonement as it relates to
our justification. :-) What's the big deal anyway?
To start with I'll address some objections to the movie
itself as it relates to the scriptural narrative:
I found this reference in my note from over twenty
years ago that is pertinent to some of the controversy The Passion
of the Christ movie has sparked.
example of the type of discussion that's going on out there..
|R. C. Sproul (The
Door interview) told a story that impacted my mind at a study
on the cross I attended years ago. Seems he was speaking on the nature
of the substitutionary atonement of Christ to a Christian group who
didn't appreciate the historical perspective. It was an affrontery
to their "sophisticated" sensibilities.
Why are this man's glasses smoking?
As he was lecturing a member of the audience interjected-
"That is primitive and obscene." When Sproul pressed him to
repeat himself, he at first demurred but upon asking again, the audience
member repeated his assertation.
Sproul responded (I paraphrase)-
"Ah! I like that- those are two of the best
words I could think of the describe what is going on at the cross. I can't
think of anything more primitive than to take a human being and have him
live out the drama of a blood sacrifice. That would be rated X for violence
in our own movie industry."
||"It is so crass and crude a manner of
effecting redemption- to literally involve the physical slaughter
of a human being. A blood sacrifice- just as in the way the Old testament
priests slit the throat of an innocent lamb- is primitive, crude stuff."
"I don't know why- I can only speculate on
the crudity of the method of redemption God has brought about and that
is that God is not a Gnostic. He is not only interested in relating to
an elite group of intellectuals who can penetrate obscure and esoteric
forms of symbolism- rather he communicates to the most simple minded,
primitive person in the world that there is something going on here to
remove their guilt from them."
|"It also, at the same time the cross
has enough profound content concealed within it to keep the better
minds of history engaged for a couple of thousand years. I'm not so
alarmed that people have to give up their sophistication to embrace
"But the word I liked best is "obscene".
It IS obscene. The atonement IS obscene. It is the most obscene thing
in all of history. It's not that God himself writes some graffiti in the
men's room or stoops to giving an obscene gesture- what he does is that
he takes upon himself human nature and enters into the obscenity of the
most obscene things in this world. He takes all the sin of the world upon
himself. We think it is obscene for a man to be a transvestite- to dress
in woman's clothing...but for a perfect being to put on the sins of the
world- that is obscene beyond imagination. Christ entered in and put on
the obscenity of human fallenness to satisfy the demands of God's wrath."
Blessing and Curse of the
Old Covenant fulfilled
|Jesus perfectly fulfilled the law of God
as the God/Man. For the New Covenant to take effect the old one had
to be somehow fulfilled.
The old covenant was expressed thus:
Terms- the stipulations.
Then the dual sanctions- rewards and penalties-blessings
The great blessedness to Jews was the Visio Dei- the beatific vision-
the closer one is to the face of God the more blessed, and the curse is
the opposite of the blessing. The blessing was expressed in Numbers 6
22Then the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, 23"Speak
to Aaron and to his sons, saying, 'Thus you shall bless the sons of Israel.
You shall say to them: 24The LORD bless you, and keep you; 25The LORD
make His face shine on you,And be gracious to you; 26The LORD lift up
His countenance on you,And give you peace.' 27"So they shall invoke My
name on the sons of Israel, and I then will bless them."
This breaks down in couplets in a type of parrallelism
where the meaning is repeated in different words three times...
1(The Lord bless you) and 2(keep you)
1(The Lord make his face to shine upon you) and 2(be gracious to you)
1(The Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon you) and2 (give you
(The 1's express the same meaning as do the 2's)
If God keeps you He is gracious to you and He gives you peace.
To reverse this would be something like:
(The Lord curse you) and (forsake you.)
(The Lord turn his back on you) and( judge you)
(The Lord turn off His light) and (in the darkness give you turmoil).
The point of the circumcision as a sign of the
old covenant was this twofold sanctions. the participant in effect is
saying. (Reward/blessing) I am bound to a community of faith that is cut
off and separated from the world and made holy by God. (Penalty/curse)
If I do not act accordingly I will be cut off from Yahweh like the foreskin
is cut off from the body.
||Galatians 3:13 literally says Christ redeemed
us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us. Christ became
a curse for us- he became sin incarnate and was forsaken by God the
Father in a moment of time. He was in hell on that cross.
It's not that Jesus just "felt" forsaken
on the cross- if he was not forsaken we are not forgiven. We have no redemption
if he did not bear the curse sanctions of the old covenant. Not only that
but the obscenity of what happened at the climax of the cross. The
cross was in fact the perfect circumcision. Christ identifies with
sinners and becomes a curse and God cuts Him off.
|This is what happened to the scapegoat
when the curse was placed on him and was sent outside the camp, and
This is exactly what Jesus experience when he fulfilled "everyone
who is hanged upon a tree is accursed" when he was crucified
outside the holy city of Zion- and the darkness descends on the land.
He is totally bereft of grace and God's presence
-for how long, we do not know. But even a moment is of infinite value-
it is at least until he says" It is finished" by the time Christ
uttered "Father into thy hands I commend my Spirit" God has
turned back to receive the Christ.
THAT is indeed obscene, and I don't believe watering it down is efficacious.
Talk and commentary shows
on MSNBC and beyond.
What follows addresses the issue that Christopher
Hitchens of Vanity Fair raised on Hardball
when he called the scourging and crucifixion in the movie "gratuitous
violence" and "pornographic in nature". He stated that
the Bible has no reference to the nature of the scourging.
This byline from Vanity Fair
"With Mel Gibson presenting his brutal version of Jesusıs Crucifixion
in The Passion of the Christ, Christopher Hitchens pounces on what he
sees as the absurd, even cruel, doctrinal contradictions embraced by both
the director and his critics."
||I have heard other people on the talk shows
relating that the gospels do not portray the crucifixion in the graphic
terms that the film uses and they say that it was too gratuitous because
of that. It is true that the gospels abbreviate the immensity of what
happened physically during the crucifixion.
But the Bible is not silent on the subject-
we get a clearer picture if we look at Psalm 22 and Isaiah 52-53 which
are both prophecies of what would happen to the Messiah. We see from those
passages some of the horror that he endured- he would be so disfigured
in Isaiah 52 that he was unrecognizable. The word disfigured in
verse 14 is the same word used for a blemished lamb that would be of no
account to use as a sacrifice to God
Catholic tradition says there was not 39 blows as some
believe in the scourging but rather 5,144 blows during the course of four
hours and a quarter. The Bible says he was scourged, and intimates it
was badly in Isaiah 52.
|Isaiah 52:13 See, my servant will act wisely
he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted.
14 Just as there were many who were appalled at him-
his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man
and his form marred beyond human likeness-
15 so will he sprinkle many nations,
and kings will shut their mouths because of him.
For what they were not told, they will see,
and what they have not heard, they will understand.
Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:
8 "He trusts in the LORD ;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him."
12 Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
13 Roaring lions tearing their prey
open their mouths wide against me.
14 I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.
||16 Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
they have pierced my hands and my feet.
17 I can count all my bones;
people stare and gloat over me.
18 They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.
...you must not leave his body on the tree overnight. Be sure to bury
him that same day, because anyone who is hung on a tree is under God's
Evangelicals and Catholics Together?
Here's another, if broader issue- a
response to the Evengelicals and Catholics Together. This link is
comprised of statements of evangelical belief that are offered as material
for dialogue between Roman Catholics and Evangelicals, following from
the recent document, Evangelicals
and Catholics Together: The Christian Mission in the Third Millennium,
drafted by Richard John Neuhaus and Charles Colson, with others.
On a MUCH lighter note...
Now you can be edified by an interactive
art experience and get humiliated at the same time. London's Tate
Museum recently opened a usable bathroom exhibit on a street corner outside
its walls. Talk about a public restroom.
Londoners will not be queing up for this one I predict.
songs to help pass the time during your hip replacement convalecence.
Hope the SPCA doesn't get wind of this...
Ever Wonder? REALLY important
questions about life. Source: unknown
*What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people
from Holland called "Holes?"
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you
put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet
paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
* If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
* If you were going to shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?
* Why does an alarm clock " Go Off " when it starts ringing?
* If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of it's nose?
* If you pulled the wings off a fly, would you call it a walk?
* When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
* Why isn't Phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why does our nose run and our feet smell?
* Why do they put braille dots on the key pads at drive up ATM's?
* Why does " Fat Chance " and " Slim Chance " mean
the same thing?
* If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a drivers license to buy
liquor? And why are there parking lots at bars?
* How do the guys who drive the snow plows get to work?
* If you were in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light, what would
happen if you turned on the head lights?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* You know how packages say " open here ", well, what would
happen if it said open somewhere else?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
* What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
*Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
* How come if you send something by boat it's cargo but if you send it
by land it's a shipment?
* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* How do a fool and his money GET together?
* How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
* How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
* If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand
words, how dangerous is a fax?
* If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money
they already know you don't have?
* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
* How come there aren't B batteries?
* How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
* If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
* Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
* Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
* How can there be self-help "groups"?
* How do you throw away a garbage can?
* How does a Thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
* If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?
* If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the
outside of his trousers?
* What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours?
* Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
* Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money
into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
* Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks
when the gun is thrown at him?
* Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
* What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
* When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
* Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?